Dear Pauline,
I know I don't see a lot of questions from guys here, but I think that too often we think we lose machismo points for appearing unsure of ourselves. Orgullo is orgullo, but I'm man enough to admit when I need help and smart enough to ask for it.
My situation is delicate. I have been off and on with a woman for over 15 years and reconnected with her very recently. Maybe I wasn't ready before, but I have come to realize that I truly love this woman and want to do it right this time. And this is where I must tread lightly. The problem is that her ex was very abusive, leaving her guarded and overprotective of her hijos. I understand this, but I need to know how I can scale the walls she's put up and assure her she can let her guard down with me? I very much want to be let into their lives. I look forward to your suggestions.
Sincerely,
Mr. Right (This Time)
Due to the very sensitive nature of your question, I'm doing something I've never done here with #Dimelo and made this a two-part response. Click here for part 1 of my reponse. What follows here is part 2.
As I stated last week, any situation in which we discuss survivors of domestic violence calls for a sensitivity and and the voice of expertise...especially when children are involved.
We talked about the importance of support and education through talk therapy with a domestic violence therapist for both you and the mujer you love in last week's #Dimelo column. My friend, Heiddi Zalamar, a bilingual Licensed Mental Health Counselor working with families in East Harlem, New York, shared more insight in an effort to help guide you on your journey to a successful relationship with not only with her, but her children as well.
Dating a woman is one thing, but winning the trust of the mother (and children) who have survived domestic violence i quite another. Zalamar suggests going slow and including los ninos with simple dinners and game nights. Make sure to go slowly and follow the pace set by mama. Her kids will be following her lead and looking to her and gauging her reaction. If she's comfortable, they'll feel safer. Family therapy sessions are another avenue you may want to consider. And lastly, couples therapy, as Zalamar states, will benefit you both to address relationship issues.
I wish you the best, Mr. Right, on your quest to "do it right", especially in the face of the walls you must scale to succeed. I can tell you one thing for certain, though. It's the wisest man who knows when he doesn't have all the answers and a brave one to buck the cultural bullsh*t keeping so many from doing as you have done here. By asking how to show the woman you love that with you, she can let her guard down and let love in, you've reminded every #Dimelo reader that there are, in fact, nice guys out there. -- Good luck and please keep me updated!
Sincerely,
-- P
Pauline Campos is Latina Magazine's #DIMELO advice columnist. Email her your questions at dimelo@latina.com. Connect with her on her blog, www.aspiringmama.com and follow her on twitter: @pauline_campos.