Dear Pauline,
I am a 32-year-old Latina with a 12-year-old son and a baby on the way. The father of both is my long-time on-again, off-again boyfriend who is now in the doghouse for turning tail and running (again) when I told him I am pregnant (again). Every time we've been "off" it's been because of his refusal to commit or accept responsibility. He's back, asking to move in with us so he can help with the baby. But there's a catch: He's only promised two years of the baby's life and no romantic commitment will be discussed.
I admit that help with a newborn would be great but I also think I need to slap him for being an idiot. What do I do? And if I boot him to the curb, how do I explain to my oldest son that his father not being welcome in my life doesn't mean I want to keep him from seeing his father?
Sincerely,
Hormonally Challenged
Dear Hormonally Challenged,
Aye, M'ija, congrats on the baby! Also, this is probably a good time to high-five you for sticking to your hormonally charged guns when it comes to the baby's father. Not gonna lie to you, amiga, but that curb you mentioned is a great place to keep him after all the drama he's brought into your life.
First of all, Pedro Pan needs to take a minute to realize he needs to stop playing pretend and grow the hell up. While offering to help with the baby is the right thing to do, he doesn't necessarily have to share a residence with you to do that. His relationship with your 12-year-old is proof. But by putting a limit on the time frame and telling you that he's willing to live with you but not be with you, he's proving he's only looking to feel like he's fulfilled his responsibility to the baby. He's also showing he makes me look like a math genius. Last time I checked, 18 - 2 = 16, so ya might wanna tell him he'd be clocking out of his shift a bit on the early side.
Letting him move in to help with midnight feedings would be a great way to avoid hiring a live-in nanny because money is a thing and trees with it growing on them sadly do not exist, but is it really a good idea? Hell no. Your kids will only be confused when their father packs his bags in a few years and walks out the door. And with no commitment to you, amiga, how exactly are you supposed to move on with your own life (or explain his presence in your home to potential dates while he's there?)
You don't need this drama and you know it. Continue to support his relationship with your son and encourage the same with the new baby. But you, my dear, deserve better. a 12-year streak of commitment avoidance on his part is all the motivation you need. -- But you already knew that, too.
Sincerely,
-- P
Pauline Campos is Latina Magazine's #DIMELO advice columnist. Email her your questions at dimelo@latina.com. Connect with her on her blog, www.aspiringmama.com, facebook ,instagram, and follow her on twitter: @pauline_campos.